My Addiction -A Plague of Financial Instability
By Colin E. Davis
Forces which pull me down behave in ways I have yet to fully understand and map. Writing this is another effort to bring more clarity to my inner darkness.
I have been plagued with financial problems most of my life. My mother was plagued by them. Although there was a period where that program flipped and I was quite wealthy for several years. In that case, a business opportunity presented itself that was unforeseen, which I took advantage of. But that eventually crashed and I was back to living on the edge.
I’m like an addict in this way. An addict is forced down into a state which holds them back from growing into their highest potential. The exhilaration is not the whole of the addiction. The darkness they suffer from is even more addictive. It’s not only that there is a chemical bond in the addict’s body which is difficult to throw off, it’s much more than that. Gabor Mate has made it clear that the drugs that addicts are addicted to are patches for a wound that was caused in childhood, or intergenerationaly. A chemical “need” is normally fulfilled by the child’s relationship with parents. They act as facilitators for the child’s developing chemistry. When that relationship is fractured or when there is a psychic virus involved, the child grows up wanting. The drug fulfils that chemical need. It brings them back to a state that should have been but never was. The addict falls back into childhood and can never grow up.
In my case, I live in a state that could be fulfilled by a drug addiction, but I don’t go that way. I live with the pains, which come and go cyclically through episodes of poverty and self criticism. I also resist living a lifestyle which would alleviate my poverty. I have excuses - that I am highly sensitive and have a difficult time in the chaotic workplace, or that my talents are artistic and there is no career to encapsulate them, or any number of excuses. I tell myself that I would not be able to fulfill my artistic goals if I had to work long hours.
These are untrue. I would not have to work 40 or more hours a week in the "workplace" to live comfortably. That is a wage slave attitude. I have my own businesses and their is no external reason why they should not be as successful as I want them to be. What it really is, is the state of grief that I am addicted to. My body wants to live in a state of continual victimhood. It’s not as strong as many others, but it's enough to keep me back away from my highest potential.
This is an amazing realization. I am addicted to a continual low level state of victimhood. It’s the same program I learned as a child growing up in New York City with two actor parents who struggled financially in the 1970’s. I learned this state. I witnessed my mother’s fear. She was so afraid back then. I was afraid because she was afraid. I learned the chemical state she was in. It still lives in me and it’s alive. It feeds cyclically. It’s like the sustaining alcoholic who drinks every day but not enough to cause too much damage, only enough to keep them from ascending higher. They intuit that it keeps the pain of their wounds at bay, but it really just drags out the pain, spreading it into all of life. It’s better to face it once and for all than to have it thinly spread out over the totality of life. Of course this is all an effect of the "pain-body".
The amazing thing is how this dark plague of my pain-body has a light side. My isolation and freedom of time allows me to be creative and allows me to do deep inner work. There really is a light side to this addiction. I am very free. I have all the time I need to be creative, but then again there comes a time when I need financial assets to make my art real, and then I am stuck again. Stuck and facing difficulty getting my art out into the world. I was outwardly successful with my art in those days when I was wealthy, but that was only for a time. And the forces of victimhood still lived through those I worked with who helped to slow down my endeavors. My pain-body found others who would play out the program for me.
Ending this addiction is a big part of my work. I have been conscious of the effects for decades, and conscious of my own responsibility for them for at least a decade. I have been actively working on cleansing the pain-body from my state for about four years now.
Right now, in this moment I am going through one more cycle of peeling back the layers of victimhood. I have been crying a lot, several times daily for over a week. I can’t source any images, but just the feeling of fear, of being scared of going out, of going to school and being disturbed by the chaotic world of New York City.
One of the things that has allowed this plague to overcome me is a source some call low self esteem. Or I should say, the low self esteem is an effect of the pain-body plague, or both - the opposite of narcissism. Some people compensate for their woundedness with an outward moving over-ballooning of their egos. They puff up to make themselves look bigger, more important than how they feel deep down - small. Then there is the inward moving equivalent where one self deprecates. They see themselves as smaller than they are. A friend told me today that I should be a millionaire or even a billionaire. In a way he is right. He knows how sharp and talented I am. I consciously recognize this myself, I can list all of my accomplishments and they are somewhat astounding, but it’s through a veil of cognitive dissonance. A certain disbelief. My accomplishments are not fully metabolized into my ego. An example of the light side of the shadow being as destructive as the more typical elements.
My parents were unable to really “get” my uniqueness because they felt the same way about themselves. My father has sidestepped my genius, just like he has sidestepped his own genius, which is a repeat of his own childhood and beyond. My mother can see my genius but is amazed, dumfounded, like I am. There is a part of her that can’t quite believe it. My parents are talented artists who have themselves self deprecated. So I am just continuing on in the tradition.
I have gone through phases where I have puffed up my ego. Back when I had cash, I was feeling quite vital and powerful - until I had a fall from grace which re-wounded me. The light side of this was that it was the beginning of a real inner journey that I needed to go on. It turned me inwards and put me on the outright alchemical path. But it also reinstalled the memory of failure and fear into my psyche. You see, I was terrible in school. I hated the environment, the pressure of being judged, the strict timelines, the forced studying of homework. I “hated” school. It was a curse upon me. Because of my attitude, I did poorly and that was reflected in my grades. I feared the eventual report card. The dreadful feeling of going to school was installed into my operating system to run again any time I worked a “job”. By the time I was 27, I began working for myself. That was the solution, or was it?
I have run many businesses, from auto detailing, to growing marijuana, to music recording and production, to coaching lawyers on winning cases for foreclosure. Now I coach people in doing shadow work, and as you can tell, I’m still doing my own shadow work. In fact, this is why I actually feel qualified – because I am doing what I teach.
And this brings me to the light side of it all. Although I have carried this self deprecating plague, it’s not stopped me from living out my purposes. It has not been a continual blanket that has suffocated me. I made a name for myself in music, and made truly great art, traveling the world. I became a competent producer, mixing and mastering engineer – built a beautiful studio. I have learned law, psychology, esoteric sciences and turned that knowledge into successes for myself and those who have worked with me. If I had felt comfortable in “the matrix”, I would have several degrees and maybe some awards of some type. I am a polymath with a wide palette of interests, knowledge and talents. Like my friend said, I should be a millionaire or a billionaire – if not for the plague.
My current work is perhaps my greatest. When I look back to the book I wrote a year ago, Shadow Tech, I wonder who wrote that book. The information contained in it is astounding and I am the first one to be surprised by it. The musical project Melissa and I are creating, "The 01 Experience" is astounding. It truly is. But where is my narcissism to back it up, to push it out into the world? This is where I have the most trouble, in actually believing that my work is great and that it can be successful. There is that deep, old self deprecating plague that still wants to live.
What Melissa and I have been doing is mapping out the structure of these internal dynamics. She is as talented as I am, and has suffered under a similar strain. We have been tracking and tracing the dynamics of our own inner wounds and studying other strains as they play out in others and in the world. We know now that the human mind is a collective ecosystem that harbors parasitic codes, and we know that we have been infected as much as anyone. The first thing that we began doing when our work together started four years ago was to map the territory. Then we came into the processes that we called Emotional Processing in the book. This is a way of accessing and moving up the old repressed energies that are the fuel for our pain-bodies. That process is slow going, but works and has got me to where I am today. And I know where I am today.
Today I am moving through a large body of repressed emotional patterning, and the chemicals that form their physical existence in my mind-body. This segment of the pain-body when broken down and recycled will alleviate the self deprecating programming more than ever. I am moving beyond the electro-chemical blockages I inherited from my ancestors. I have played with narcissism and ego aggrandizing and found it to be ugly and not my way. I am moving into actual Self Love. Actual. This is what shifts me out of limited financial ability. You see, financial poverty is a correlate to the self deprecating plague of my pain-body. It’s an effect. I know very well by now the many little unconscious decisions that “I” have made which acted to continue on the financial instability. And there’s more to this than just unconscious bad business decisions or turning down work, or not doing what it takes to be “competitive”. Way more. This program stays alive through psychic transmission of my pain body’s code that is picked up in others. I have been broadcasting its code to the entire universe. It’s picked up by everyone. It sends the message “I must remain poor” and that message is honored. This happens in ways most of us have no understanding of, and that I am only now coming to terms with.
I feel that I am on one side of a wall. On the other side is what I have often defined money to be - “social credit”. For me, money is social credit, literally "credit" given by others, and accepting social credit is determined by the strength of my pain-body and its ability to undermine that acceptance. This article marks a place in time where that deep programming is finally challenged for good. I’ve been hacking at it, but now it's to where that program will sputter and run out without its needed fuel of attention, dwindling into non-existence. But I realize that there is a wall bursting episode which must play out for this to occur. I am fearful of that event or events. I don’t know exactly what it will look like, but I do know that it is ART. I am an artist beyond all else. My gold is manifest through art. I am redefining art. Art is not what most think. It’s way bigger than that. You know, God is an artist before anything else. When you realize that God’s creation is above all else ART, you get a feeling for what I am doing. I am creating LIVE out of EVIL. The alchemical, scientific art of transmuting darkness into light. How shall I paint this beautiful picture and give it to the world? The sketches have been drawn. Now its time to fill it all in.